By now, it's been two weeks and I think I've figured it out:
2:00 PM - 5:00 PM is the Airport crowd, high dollar rides here!
5:00 PM - 9:00 PM is the Dinner crowd
9:00 PM - 12:00 AM is the Bar crowd
12:00 AM - 3:00 AM is the "I cannot function in normal human society."
I was well into the Dinner shift when I received a ride request from some bars off of SMU Blvd. My client had a very apparent speech impediment, but I wasn't sure as to if it was the result of genetics, severe alcoholism, or a drug induced stupor.
After receiving explicit instructions via text messages on where to find my vehicle, my vehicle's description, and key noticeable identifiers (bright blue Uber light in the windshield), he proceeded to call me saying, "Heeeeeey. We're heeeaaarr-uh. I ghoon't shee yooush."
I flash my headlights and my Uber light as a pair of men stumble towards my car. They get in, holding their red solo cups as I pray to baby Jesus that the police don't stop me on this ride for breaking open container laws.
---
Simon: So where would you like for me to take you tonight?
Semi-Drunk: We need to get back to his car.
White-boy-wasted: Yeah! Get the car!
Simon: Can I have an address?
White-boy-wasted: I ghon't ngo the addresh, but I can point you. Just go!
---Simon proceeds to go south on US-75--
About ten minutes into the ride:
We begin to talk about where these guys are from, where they went to school, and what's the occasion for getting hammered at 7:00 PM.
Simon: So how old are you guys?
Semi-Drunk: We're in our early 30s.
Simon: Cool, what about school? You guys SMU Alums?
White-boy-wasted: Yeah man... ... ... ... we went to SMU, but partied hard and faaailed out.
Simon: Damn bro, that's rough. What about UTA?
White-boy-wasted: Yeah I failed that too.
Semi-Drunk: Like, how the hell are we supposed to school, work, and party?! It's just too hard...
Simon: ...You've got to pick two of the three, bro.
Semi-Drunk: Man, I'm not ready to stop partying!
White-boy-wasted: Where...where are we going?! Uber! Turr me around and take me to the bars!
Simon: I thought you wanted to be taken to your car? You were just giving me directions to the car?
White-boy-wasted: I...I...ghon't know. Ask this guy, he's lesssh drunk than I am.
Semi-Drunk: Dude! What the f*** you're stupid. Take us to the car!
White-boy-wasted: Uber! Pull over. I...I...lemme think.
--Waits five minutes--
I finally get the directions from this guy, and I proceed to ask the question:
Simon: Are y'all okay to drive?
White-boy-wasted: I can't drive forsssshit. (points at Semi-Drunk) He's waay lesh drunk that I am.
Semi-Drunk: I got this, bro.
--I arrive and drop them off as they stumble to White-boy-wasted's truck--
Moral of the story:
Out of the three choices, choose School & Work over Partying. You can only have two...unless you have a full ride tuition scholarship.
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