22-Feb-14 p2

After carting around the SMU/UTA drunk flunkies, I worked for another seven or so hours in Dallas.  Every time I work Uber when it gets to be around 1:30am or later, I keep telling myself, "This is the last one, this is the last one, this is the last one..."  But damnit, I love money too much.  Even when I decide to go home, I'll leave the Uber Driver phone on, just in case I pick up another client request.

For this next story, I was leaving Lower Greenville when I received a request from a Greenville residential area.  Usually, the Greenville area yields $10-15, sometimes even more.  So of course, greedy-Simon was intrested in a little bit of extra paper - and maybe a blog story too.

I arrived, and the street was completely dark.  The house had no exterior lights, and I could barely see anything except what the moon was shining down upon.  I texted and called the client, but she did not answer.  After waiting 10 minutes at the curb, a middle-aged woman came stumbling out of the house, nearly tripping down three steps, and hobbled into my car. 
From this point onward, she will be referred to as "WWW," short for "White-Woman-Wasted."

WWW: Heeyyyy, you're my Uber, riiight?
Simon: Yes, my name is Simon.  Where can I take you tonight?
WWW: I...I need to go home.  I'm really not that drunk, I promish.  Can you tchake me there?
Simon:  Sure, where's your house?
WWW: Juss...juss shtart driving.  I'll get it.  I'm new to Dallas, I'm from Chicago, and I juss moved here. 

(after about 5 minutes of fumbling in her purse, she finds and gives me the address)

Simon: Oh, Chicago?  That's pretty cool.  I've never been there, but I'd like to visit.
WWW: (insert Fran Drescher voice) Oh my gaahhd, you totally should go.  You'll love it.  Heeey, do you like, wanna go get a beer or shomething?  We can talk about Chicago 'n' stuff.
Simon: Uhh, no.
WWW: Why not?  C'mon, it'll be fun.
Simon: Because I have a girlfriend.
WWW: Oh she won't mind.  We're just talking.
Simon: It's also 2:45, and the bars in Dallas close at 2:00. 
WWW: Oh...you're right.  In Chicago, they serve you until reaallly reallly late at night, like, four in the morning or shomething.

WWW: So what are you doing?  Like, what do you do?  This isn't your real job, is it?
Simon: No, I do this for fun and extra money.  I'm a project manager for the Army.  I'd like to get into the Healthcare sector though.
WWW: You, you know what I like about you?  You're a...a...a go-getter!  I'm like, 42 years old, and I was dating this guy in his late 20s.  He was like, 28 or shomething.  When we first shtarted talking, he told me he worked in the Trump tower.  I was like, "Yeahhhh! wow! this kid is going somewhere."  But actually, he worked in the deli downstairs and ran food up to all the rich and successful guys.  All he wanted to do was smoke pot...I'm like, so over that.  I need someone who's got like, more ambition than than, ya know?  Do you wanna go get a beer or something?
Simon: Uhm, the bars are closed.
WWW: But maybe we could go to the Gayborhood, they'll still serve us!
Simon: No they won't, Dallas stops serving at 2:00.
WWW: Damnit.  Well, maybe we can stop by the gas station and grab some beers, and we can go back to my place and drink!
Simon: Gas stations and grocery stores don't sell this late either.
WWW: Oh okay.

(As I'm nearing her apartment...)

Simon: Which apartment is yours?
WWW: Looking outside her right-side passenger window,"like... 14xxx, but I dont see it anywhere."  These houses don't have enough numbers.  There's only two numbers...but thishshiz my street... 
Simon:  Why don't you try looking to the left?  Those apartments have five numbers.
WWW: HEY. THAT'S MY PLACE.  Do you wanna come in for a beer or something?
Simon: ...

(WWW leaves my car and shuts the door, stumbling to her apartment)

22-Feb-14 p1

Several interesting things happened this night that are worth mentioning.

By now, it's been two weeks and I think I've figured it out:
2:00 PM - 5:00 PM is the Airport crowd, high dollar rides here!
5:00 PM - 9:00 PM is the Dinner crowd
9:00 PM - 12:00 AM is the Bar crowd
12:00 AM - 3:00 AM is the "I cannot function in normal human society."

I was well into the Dinner shift when I received a ride request from some bars off of SMU Blvd.  My client had a very apparent speech impediment, but I wasn't sure as to if it was the result of genetics, severe alcoholism, or a drug induced stupor.

After receiving explicit instructions via text messages on where to find my vehicle, my vehicle's description, and key noticeable identifiers (bright blue Uber light in the windshield), he proceeded to call me saying, "Heeeeeey.  We're heeeaaarr-uh.  I ghoon't shee yooush."

I flash my headlights and my Uber light as a pair of men stumble towards my car.  They get in, holding their red solo cups as I pray to baby Jesus that the police don't stop me on this ride for breaking open container laws.

---

Simon: So where would you like for me to take you tonight?
Semi-Drunk: We need to get back to his car.
White-boy-wasted: Yeah!  Get the car!
Simon: Can I have an address?
White-boy-wasted: I ghon't ngo the addresh, but I can point you.  Just go!

---Simon proceeds to go south on US-75--

About ten minutes into the ride:
We begin to talk about where these guys are from, where they went to school, and what's the occasion for getting hammered at 7:00 PM.

Simon: So how old are you guys?
Semi-Drunk:  We're in our early 30s.
Simon:  Cool, what about school?  You guys SMU Alums?
White-boy-wasted:  Yeah man... ... ... ... we went to SMU, but partied hard and faaailed out.
Simon:  Damn bro, that's rough.  What about UTA?
White-boy-wasted:  Yeah I failed that too.
Semi-Drunk:  Like, how the hell are we supposed to school, work, and party?!  It's just too hard...

Simon:  ...You've got to pick two of the three, bro.
Semi-Drunk:  Man, I'm not ready to stop partying!

White-boy-wasted: Where...where are we going?!  Uber!  Turr me around and take me to the bars!
Simon: I thought you wanted to be taken to your car?  You were just giving me directions to the car?
White-boy-wasted: I...I...ghon't know.  Ask this guy, he's lesssh drunk than I am.
Semi-Drunk: Dude! What the f***  you're stupid.  Take us to the car!
White-boy-wasted: Uber!  Pull over.  I...I...lemme think.

--Waits five minutes--

I finally get the directions from this guy, and I proceed to ask the question:
Simon:  Are y'all okay to drive?
White-boy-wasted:  I can't drive forsssshit.  (points at Semi-Drunk)  He's waay lesh drunk that I am.
Semi-Drunk: I got this, bro.

--I arrive and drop them off as they  stumble to White-boy-wasted's truck--

Moral of the story:
Out of the three choices, choose School & Work over Partying.  You can only have two...unless you have a full ride tuition scholarship.

15-Feb-14

This Saturday's taxi rides weren't too boring, but they aren't as juicy as my first two posts.

As usual, nothing interesting really happens until after 10:00 PM anyways.  If you haven't heard the #selfie song by The Chainsmokers, please listen to it before reading any further (click the link).

With that in mind, now imagine yourself in my car, listening to soothing classical music as I pick these two girls up at Southern Methodist University.  Don't judge me.  After spending 15 minutes on SH-75 in bumper to bumper traffic, I needed it to not want to lop someone's head off.

-----

Obnoxious Girl: Oh hey Uber driver, can you just take us down the street across the highway?  We live like, right there.  OH. MY. GOD.  Where did you get that Louie purse.  OMG wow, that is so awesome!  Who got that for you!?

Annoying Girl: My mom got it for me!
Obnoxious Girl: You are so lucky, like, I would have to spend like, ALL my birthday money on something like that.  What is that, like, $2000!?
Annoying Girl: It's so great, I can fit anything I wa- (interrupted by Obnoxious)
Obnoxious Girl: What is that, the MM or the GM?  I have the PM, but I would kill for a GM.
Annoying Girl: What's the difference between th- (interrupted by Obnoxious).
Obnoxious Girl: The GM is the biggest one there is.  GOD, I am SO JEALOUS of you!

Obnoxious Girl: (talking to me) Is this water for us?  Because like, I always take UberX and I always get offered water, but I never take it.  Do you mind if I take it?  I need it a little bit, because like, I'm kind of drunk, but not that drunk.

Simon: Yeah, those are for y'all.
Annoying Girl:  The driver's probably like, "oh my God, these annoying girls are killing me.  Who are these people."  So anyways, how'd you like that rush party?
Simon: Oh, you girls are rushing a sorority?  What year are you girls? Which one are you trying to ru-- (interrupted by Obnoxious)

Obnoxious Girl: Oh, we're rushing *** *** ***.  It's not like, a normal sorority.  It's like, one of those business or academic ones where there's girls AND guys.  And for me, it's totally great that there's guys in it, because I like, like guys.

-----

Here's the #selfie song again...

I don't know how many brain cells I lost that night.

13-Feb-14

I decided to work on a Thursday night because I had a doctor's appointment in the late morning on Friday.  The most memorable passenger of the night was a responsible drunk that turned into a raging hulk.  Here's the story:

I pick up a fare in one of the Lower Greenville residential areas.  When I get there, I drive up to the house, and there's a slender young man, wearing pastel pink khakis and a gingham button-down shirt, standing behind a large black truck...as if he was hiding from somebody.  I drive up, and here's what happens:

Simon: Hey there, my name is Simon, did you request an Uber ride?
Passenger: Yeah man, I did. 

---Passenger enters the car and tells me to "just go."---

Simon: Where would you like me to take you tonight?

---At this point in time, a female (fully dressed) and a shorter fellow dressed in a t-shirt and blue boxer briefs, comes running towards my car barefoot, with his penis swinging around---

Blue Briefs: Dude!  Where are you going?  Come back inside!
Passenger: No way man, I'm going back to the apartment!
Blue Briefs: Come on man, let's just spend the night here tonight.
Passenger: No!  I want to sleep in my own bed!
Blue Briefs: We can just sleep on the couch, no big deal.
Passenger: NO, MAN!  I don't want to sleep on a couch, I want to sleep in MY OWN BED. 
Blue Briefs: Dude, it'll be fine.  Just come back inside.
Annoying Girl: Come on, let's go back inside!

Passenger: I'm doing the responsible thing, and not driving home.  I've already called the cab.  Let the man do his job!  Leave me alone!  I'm going home!  What, if we leave, are you going to tip the cabbie?
Annoying Girl: Yes we'll tip him!
Blue Briefs: Dude, let's go back inside.
Passenger: Hey man, I'm sorry to waste your time...
Blue Briefs: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK, ARE YOU COMING OR NOT.
Passenger: You know what? Fuck you.  No I'm not coming.  I'm going back to the apartment.
Blue Briefs: Well give me back my keycard then.  It's my card!
Passenger: (throws keycard at Blue Brief's face)  FINE.  I don't need your card.  I'll get back in another way.

--Blue Briefs now reaches into the car and punches Passenger in the face--

Annoying Girl: Oh my God, is this really happening? IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?
Passenger: Did you just do that?  Are you fucking serious?  Did you fucking just hit me?  YOU ASKED FOR THIS.

--Passenger proceeds to pull Blue Briefs into my backseat, puts him in a headlock, and punches his kidneys several times.  I then push the "Begin Trip" and start my meter.--

Annoying Girl: OH MY GOD.  OH MY HOD.  OH MY GOD.  IS THIS HAPPENING?!  IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?!  OH MY GOD.  OH MY GOD.

--Passenger somehow opens my other side door, and rolls out onto the curb with Blue Briefs.  Passenger immediately mounts Blue Briefs, and starts ground'n'pounding.--

Annoying Girl: OH MY GOD. STOP!  STOP IT!  STOP!  IS THIS HAPPENING?! IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?! OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.  STOP!!

Passenger:  YOU ASKED FOR THIS.  YOU HIT ME FIRST.  FUCK YOU.

--Passenger gets off of Blue Briefs, and begins to walk away.  Blue Briefs props himself up on the sidewalk with one arm, and wipes his bleeding face with other hand.  Passenger then proceeds to kick Blue Briefs into the pavement.  Blue Briefs proceeds to get up and limp back into the house.--

Annoying Girl: What is wrong with you?!  Every time, I am on your side, but now you do this shit!  What the hell is wrong with you!?
Passenger: He started it!  Did you not see him hit me in the face?! 

Passenger:  (speaking to me) Hey man, I'm sorry you had to see all that.  You can go, I'm staying here.

---
That fare, I made $4.70 and got to watch a drunken MMA match.  Awesome.

10-Feb-14 CAUTION: VULGAR

Today I popped my Uber cherry..  My second ride for the night was interesting, and taught me how to be flexible...

I arrived at a sandwich shop in downtown, but my client was nowhere to be seen.  I called her to verify the location.  She picked up saying, "Hello?  Simon?  Can you do me a favor and bring my sandwich to my apartment?  It's already paid for, I just need you to bring it to my apartment.  Leave it with the valet, he'll know it's for me."

...um..wut?  I grabbed her sandwich and made my way to her apartment, dropped off the food, and drove off.  Easiest $4.96 I ever made.

Later that night, I picked up three men ranging among the ages of 29-37.  They requested to go to the House of Blues for a concert.  There were all on their iPhones on an app called TINDR, and here's how the converstaion went:

Man 1: Check out this broad.  I'm sure this pig loves it in the face.  Just look at her, she wants it.
Man 2: How can you call them that?  I just cant bring myself to call them that...they're people too.
Man 1: Are you serious, bro?  Look at her description, it says she likes ATM.  Only pigs like that shit.  Whatever bro, I'd give it to her nasty.  Oh man, check this one out.  She definitely wants it.

--we are now driving past the Perot museum, and there are a slew of teenage girls swarming a charter bus for some boy band--

Man 2: What the hell is all this?  Damn, look at all that young ass. 
Man 3: Would you have sex with a 17 year old, Man 1?
Man 1: Dude, come on, I have a daughter.  It's hard for me to think about shit like that.
Man 2: I sure as hell would, but what country would we be in?  'cuz I wouldn't do it in 'murrika.
Man 1: How old are you anyways, Man 2?
Man 2: Well, on TINDR, I'm only 29.  But in real life, 37.  Bitches don't really care, do they?  I mean come on, they're on TINDR.  They don't want a man, they just want the D.

Man 3: What's up with all this traffic?  It reminds me of the time I drove 30 minutes for some ass in Wylie.
Man 2: I wouldn't drive 30 minutes for ass, fuck that.
Man 3: What if that ass looked like this? --proceeds to show Man 2 a picture--
Man 2: Okay, I take that back, I'll drive 30 minutes for that ass, but I'm staying the night and I'd get that ass again when I wake up, and then she better make me waffles.
Man 1: We'll get out here, bro.  Thanks.

What the hell, I remember the guys talking like that back in undergrad...but I've never seen grown-ass men talk like that before.  Holy shit.